A Millennial’s Catch Phrase
When I heard the word mental health before, my initial gut reaction was it’s just our modern society being weak and making everything an issue. However, the more I learn about my own weaknesses and shortcomings, I’m starting to realize that mental health isn’t some millennial’s way of trying to justify their own laziness and issues but rather a REAL concern. It’s becoming more personally evident than ever that mental health is plaguing our nation.
I’ve been doing a deep dive into my own mental psyche recently, not because it’s fun to do, but rather because circumstances are revealing my own debilitating mental health issues. Three major issues I’m currently experiencing:
- Anxious attachment styles
- Retroactive jealousy
- Low self-esteem
These are not themes that are easy to swallow. Who wants to acknowledge issues that can be seen as shameful. However, the first and most momentous step toward healing and growing is first acknowledging the issues we face. It’s usually our ego and pride that keeps us from seeing reality correctly and never letting us heal the areas in our life that are most holding us back.
Fuzzy Glasses
I felt I was in a good place mentally and emotionally, but in reality, what I did was remove the triggers in my life that set off the alarms. I never dealt with the underlying issues. I could continue to live life without dealing with them and that might be fine but I also deal with consequences by not addressing them. These root issues could be holding us back from having more joy, reaching our God-given potential, and making a greater impact at large.
Destroying the Roots
Many times we engage in behavior modifications addressing the actions that stem from root issues. But those modifications are short-lived and we come back to our programmed selves when we no longer have the willpower to continue. We enter this cycle of trying, losing willpower, and then feeling utterly defeated for not being able to stop the actions that aren’t wanted. It’s not until we can address root causes and issues that are we able to curtail the negative actions that follow.
It’s like trying to furiously cut off tree leaves and even sometimes trunks and branches only to have them come back more fertile and pervasive. We can attempt to do that every year if you have only one problem (one tree) and that might work. But you can easily grow tired when you realize that you don’t just have one but a forest of them. The real solution then is to learn how to dig out the roots. Yes, it takes more time and effort but the effects are long-lasting and you don’t have to go back to address it again. One by one, you can clear the forest and really start to see things clearly.
If you’re addicted to drugs and feel like you can’t stop, there is usually an underlying issue. You can hide all the drugs or throw them away, but eventually, the desire for them will come chasing after you again. If porn addiction is the issue, you can try ways to minimize your exposure, get accountability, and use tools to block content but when triggers come, the insidious desire for something you know isn’t good for you will come crawling back. Maybe you’re constantly angry. Even if you try to love people and engage in actions that show it, deep down seated in your soul, there is a burning distrust of people that you can’t shake. Eventually, when you no longer have the strength and willpower, you push people away because it’s easier than pretending. Whatever the outward expressions you know aren’t good for you, there is usually an underlying dilemma that needs to be addressed.
Personal Experiences
In my case, an OCD-like behavior overanalyzing a significant other’s past life (Retroactive jealousy). Even if it’s well within reason for the vast swath of the population. It causes overreaching questions and invasiveness that can draw another away. Or an anxious attachment style that causes your body to become over-anxious to point of where you can’t function mentally. All your attention is situated on whether or not your relationship is in good standing even if there is strong evidence that your significant other loves and adores you. And just recently, realizing that low self-esteem causes me to see myself as less than and everyone else much greater. It projects neediness, uncertainty, and inaction, causing those around you to question whether or not you can lead. It’s an inaccurate picture of reality and causes me to act in a way that is incongruent with reality.
I can easily pretend that these aren’t real issues I’m dealing with. But it’s not a life that I want to live. Without dealing with the underlying issues that cause the actions and feelings we don’t want, we handcuff our future potential. It affects our ability to parent well, manage relationships, achieve our goals, reduce stress levels, avoid depression, and affects many other aspects of our lives.
Childhood Wounds
At a subconscious level, many of the things we do now are done from an old operating system that was developed when we were kids. We learned at a very subconscious level by hearing, seeing, and experiencing things when we were growing up. The challenging part of childhood when we deal with trauma is that we aren’t able to put things into context. We don’t have enough reference points and knowledge to disassociate other people’s actions as their own issues and not your own.
If your parents are arguing all the time and eventually divorce, you can view it as your fault for causing them to separate, not their own unaddressed issues. Later in adulthood, that could express itself as a fear of any argument with your significant other because you think they are going to leave. It can leave you feeling unable to get your needs met because you’re afraid of bringing anything up that could rock the boat.
Little did we know that childhood wounds became the bedrock on which we do everything in our adult lives. Sure genetics plays a role in how we operate but there is a large portion of our lives and psyche that have been shaped by our upbringing. These experiences have sullied our view of the world. It’s nothing that we as kids had done wrong but we were a by-product of a damaged society, damaged parents, relatives, and friends. We’re all damaged in some way and we pass those on to others.
To break the cycle of defeat and despair, it only takes a generation to decide that enough is enough. It takes hard work. It takes dedication but the fruit from your efforts will affect generations to come. It’s a beautiful heritage to pass on to your kids and their kids, as well as a lasting legacy in your own life.
Going Forward
The solutions aren’t straightforward. I don’t know the exact path forward but I do know that understanding your issues and knowing there is a solution is a large part of the journey. I’ve already been doing some work and I’m already seeing some fruit of the labor. There is no shame in working on yourself trying to break away from generational issues. It’s something to be lauded and encouraged.
There are some books that I’ve read that have given words and characteristics to the issues I’m dealing with. When you understand your enemy, they become less intimidating. Just knowing they exist means they can be beaten. Fighting a ghost is daunting but when you put some meat and bones on something you feel it becomes tangible. Knowing that there are decades of research and studies conducted on the very thing I’m dealing with means that I’m not alone. There are others that deal with it and have overcome it. It means I can live unshackled to subconscious wiring from past experiences and operate from a fresh paradigm and so can you.
Seeking Professional Help
There is a stigma around seeing therapists but that stigma is slowly becoming a thing of the past. I’m embracing the idea of seeing a therapist. I’ve seen one in the past and it was helpful. I know that a good therapist can draw out past experiences in your childhood and even up to current experiences that might have given reason and color to the issues you’re dealing with. Many times, trauma (things we don’t even know are trauma) affect how we operate as an adult. It can be as simple as unavailable parents to disparaging parents. It could be a traumatic event. All of what we’ve experienced in our life, especially as children, affect how we see and interact with the world.
Seeking The Lord
I encourage you to seek the Lord to see if there are areas in your life that need healing. Partnering with the Lord and seeking help can and will dramatically change your life and your future generations for the better. It takes a lot of introspection. It takes a lot of work and I know it’s going to be hard and even painful in the process. However, If you’re willing to put in the work, because you know you have more to offer and you want to live a life that you’re proud of, drop the ego and seek help. Most insurance plans offer mental health options. Online therapy is also an option with more affordable options. Even if that isn’t an option yet, there are podcasts and books that can address some of the issues you’re dealing with.
Dealing with our issues is never easy and I’ll never diminish the challenge of it. But if you’re willing to open Pandora’s box, trust that the Lord is with you and wants emotional healing for you, I’m confident that you’ll have more life and life abundant. My prayer is that you receive healing and start to see life more clearly in all its God-given beauty. There is hope and there are blessings that come with seeing ourselves as God sees us.
It is sufficient to trust in the living God and not worry about earthly things, for the beginning of worry is the end of faith; and the beginning of faith is the end of worry.
– George Müller
Good luck on your journey and I always welcome prayers on mine.