I’m currently about 5 weeks away from finally leaving Yellowstone. It’s been almost 3 months since the business has been sold and I’m finally at the finish line, but it still seems so far away.
I know the days are ticking but they couldn’t come fast enough. I got the best possible outcome for selling the store (great new owner, smooth transition, and full asking price with 4 months of continued profit) but I still feel like I’m stuck in a prison. I’m still running the store until the new owner takes over officially November 1st, but until then I literally have to be there 6 days out of the week.
Joseph in Prison
I was reminded of the story of Joseph as I stared at the metal gate that barred the store from any break-ins. It almost looked like I was in a prison myself.
Joseph had a grandiose vision from God that showed him ruling over his brothers. But instead, he was sold off to slavery by his own brothers he was supposedly going to rule over. Even as he started to gain some favor, albeit he was still a slave, that quickly evaporated as he was falsely accused of something he didn’t do.
He was sent to prison, and even though he became the most trusted prisoner, he was still a prisoner nonetheless. When he finally got a glimpse of hope of getting out of prison, he had to wait another 2 years before he was finally released and immediately shot to the second-highest position in Egypt, second only to Pharoah.
Burnt Out
I’ve resonated with the story of Joseph. A bit of my life has always felt like his. I’ve always had this vision for doing something really big but my current circumstance never seems to fit the narrative of that vision. It always seems so far off.
I feel like I’ve been running and working my butt off since 18 years old. It hasn’t ever felt like I wasn’t on this proverbial treadmill, aiming to make my vision a reality. I’m now 36 and I can say that I’m really burnt out. The last couple of months have been draining. I use to have so much motivation and was constantly moving things forward. Now, I’m barely trying to survive to get to the next day. I feel like my mind ran out of ram memory space. I can’t do anything more. My mind won’t let me.
With working on the transition of the store to the new owner and actively managing my crypto portfolio, I’m at max capacity even though it’s not a lot of work. I feel like my batteries have just been on empty and I’m on the last leg of energy reserves so even the smallest of tasks seems draining. It also hasn’t helped that the crypto markets have been erratic. I’m on the verge of either making it decently big or losing it all. That hasn’t helped my mental state much.
It was really tough the last week or so. The market took a major dump and I got caught in a leverage long trade. If the market decides to go into a bear market, I’m over. I’ve invested heavily into the market with low leverage but leverage nonetheless. I was having anxiety and fear kicked in the last couple of days. I literally had to just stop looking at the charts. I stopped looking at my portfolio and just decided to just let the market do whatever it needs to do.
I’ve been praying and working on focusing on trusting God. It hasn’t been easy but neither is operating in fear. I’ve done the best I can to manage my portfolio. I’m at my wit’s end. I’m made my decision on portfolio allocation and now it’s just riding it out. My prayer is that I’m able to walk away in several months securing enough funds to not have to work for a while and to take care of my parents. If I lose it all, man that’s going to be tough. Regardless of the outcome, I need a break. I need time to rest. To get away from everything.
What’s Next?
People ask me what my next steps are and the only thing I can tell them is “I really don’t know.” I used to be so excited about aiming for future plans and figuring out the next business steps. Right now, I’m just trying to finish the last weeks here and survive.
As negative as it sounds, the word that keeps coming out of my mind and mouth is “I’m tired. I’m so tired. I want to rest.” I want to get away from things for a while. God willing, I’ll have the money to not have to work for a while and enough funds to start another business and get into investments when I’m ready.
I’ll check back in again next month. It’s crazy how much can change in a month or so. My life will look drastically different. Good or bad. My trust is in the Lord.