Discouraged

The past couple of weeks in the new year have been hard. I don’t think there was a single catalyst for feeling this way. I think as I hit 35 years of age, subconsciously it’s been affecting me.

It’s so odd to me – I just reread all of 2019’s blogs and I can SEE God’s hand in everything. The first couple of months in 2019 weren’t so great, but the rest of the year turned out to be awesome. I was content and delighting in the Lord.

Now…not so much. I think comparison has gotten the better of me. All I see around me are friends that are doing well while I’m still nowhere close to my goals. I know that things are good…I have a bit of income coming in from Usana, Yellowstone, Bitcoin, and I’m building Unwage. But I want CHANGE! I feel like things aren’t changing and that my dreams are just so far off.

Pity Party

My thoughts are everywhere at the moment so bear with me as I verbally throw up on this blog trying to make sense of the mess.

The word that best describes how I feel is “exhaustion.” I’m tired. I feel like I’ve been working my butt off since I was 18 and the results have been pathetic. Look, don’t get me wrong. I see that I’ve grown as a person. I’ve learned. I’ve become wiser. I’m in a better place. I don’t deny that. But I’m having a bit of a pity party so indulge me a bit.

As I examine why I’ve been feeling down, I think a lot of it has to do with expectations. I build up these plans in my mind thinking that this is how God should work in my life but when it seems like it’s not on the right track, I get disappointed.

Vindication

I think what I want is vindication. I want all the risky, entrepreneurial decisions to finally pay off. I haven’t taken the road well-traveled. I’ve taken the off beaten path using a machete and sheer foolery making a path of my own believing that I had taken a short cut. If I’m being honest, my motivation is wanting to appear on the other side before everyone else.

But maybe it wasn’t a short cut. Maybe it was the tougher path. But because it was tougher, I grew stronger, more resilient, and grittier. Now the road forward just becomes easier and I make more headway because I’ve developed unique skills for the tasks ahead. Maybe the shortcut is taking the longcut.

Who knows… Maybe the story ends with a bite from a snake and I die long before I reach my goals. I guess the fun part is not knowing and just keep pressing forward.

Okay, let me get off of my metaphorical soapbox.

Missing the Bitcoin Train

I’ve just been down in the dumps. I feel like I’m going to miss the Bitcoin train. I’ve studied it for so long and yet I feel I’m going to miss a large part of the boom because I don’t feel I have as much Bitcoin as I want where it’ll make a significant difference. My hope has been that I’ll benefit enough from this current Bitcoin bull market that I’ll have enough funds to pursue Unwage full-time while traveling throughout the U.S. in a mobile office van rig.

Selling Yellowstone before the Bitcoin boom seems far off. I’d like to get at least 100k-150k more into Bitcoin before the next halving and selling the store seems to be the best option but it doesn’t seem likely.

I think I’m just letting all the “what-if’s” get to my head and I’m not trusting enough in the Lord and not giving Him enough room to operate. I want to control everything and I build all these “shoulds” that God should meet. But who am I to think that I know what is best.

Joseph and the Turnaround

I just feel like Joseph. He was sold into slavery by his brothers. He became a slave and worked for his master, Potiphar. He was falsely accused and sent to jail. He was in jail for years on end. He felt he was about to be freed, but the people he helped forgot about him. He stayed in jail for several more years until FINALLY a big break took place. He ascended from the bottom of society to the second most powerful position in Egypt.

I’m not saying I’m going to ascend to some crazy heights but it would be nice to have things finally turn around. I’m being negative, I know. I just want to get this stuff off my mind and into words.

Saving Grace

I’ve been meditating on Psalms 37 and Proverbs 16 these past few weeks. It’s almost like God knew I needed to keep going back to these verses. I’d be in a much worse position if these passages weren’t brought to my attention before the beginning of the year.

I’ve also been listening to the song “Worth The Wait” by Bryan McCleery. It’s been playing nonstop on Spotify. It’s my anthem for this year.

I’m done with my rant.

Delight In the Lord

At the end of the day, what I want is to be content in the Lord. I want my delight to be the Lord and not based on circumstances. I want God to be my foundation. If he’s not, life will blow me in all sorts of direction.

The historical account in the Bible that I’m reminded of at this moment is the disciples in the boat with Jesus. A storm came (life’s circumstances) and they became afraid. They were swayed by the storm because they didn’t trust Jesus. We will ALWAYS be blown about and fearful if our full trust isn’t on the Lord. God must be our foundation. If he is, it doesn’t matter what comes our way.

I’m praying that I’ll learn how to delight in the Lord. To fully trust in Him and to not fret about life’s circumstances.