Today was a relatively chill day at work until the end of the night. My boss wasn’t in today and he won’t be in tomorrow, which is great because now I won’t be so anxious and stressed. But the reason I was feeling down about my job today was because my coworker at the end of the night found an error I made and he was really quick at doing his work. I feel like I’m slow and I make a bunch of errors. It spiraled me down making me feel incompetent, feeding into the lies in my own head.
As I left for work, my brother tells me that my mom’s store was leaking water and she needed someone to come fix it. So I begrudgingly went even though I just got off of work at 8:30pm. My brother ends up coming to and after finishing fixing the place we went to Krua Thai for some dinner since we were both starving.
I was agitated because of how work ended and it made me start thinking about quitting again. Thankfully, I was able to vent with my brother and get things off my mind. When I came back to the apartment we had a good chat that brought some more clarity to my situation.
My personality type (clearly a 3 in the enneagram) makes me afraid of being myself. I have a desire for people to like me so I observe how they are and I mirror them and get into their good graces. However, that feeling turns into dread because now that I’ve created a fake image of myself, I have to keep it up. Also, I now believe they only like me because of this false image I’ve put up.
Three’s also hate looking incompetent. We always want to look like we have our stuff together. Knowing all this, this is exactly the reason why I’m so stressed at work. I feel that one day I’ll get caught not being very good at my job and get fired. I have a hard time remembering things and I’m not very good when it comes to detailed work. I get flustered easily and can’t focus.
I’m so worried about getting caught not being very good at my job, worried about my boss making me look like an idiot, and afraid to be myself that I’m stressing myself out. I do know that if I can move things more towards my strengths things could change in my favor. I like thinking about ideas and executing on them. I just don’t like doing the detailed work.
Also, I need to be myself. When three type personalities move towards the healthy version of themselves, they are naturally like able. Being a fake person is a turn off to strong personalities. Only by being yourself will people truly respect you for who you are. When threes can relax and just be themselves that’s when they really shine. I need to learn how to do that.