Where do I even begin? I’m writing today mainly to think on “paper.” It’s my processing mechanism when things aren’t piecing together in my head. I have a jumble of thoughts that aren’t coming together and writing lets me at least try to make sense of it all.
I just “moved” to Austin yesterday, February 15th. I put Austin in quotes because I’ve been going back and forth if I really want to be here or not. That’s the question that’s been bugging me ever since I started my drive to Austin.
Why the Move?
I had a friend ask me why I’m moving to Austin and I didn’t have a real answer. In my mind, it was something new. It’s also cheaper to live out here so I don’t burn through my capital before I get traction in business. But those answers didn’t feel adequate in my own soul. He then follows up with, “Do you think you’re running from something?”
That didn’t immediately hit me, but it’s been something I’ve been mulling in my head ever since he said that. What if I’m running from something?
Driving to Austin
I had a lot of time to think while driving from LA to Austin. I didn’t realize it would take me 20+ hours to get here. I don’t know why but I thought it was only an 11-hour drive. It took me two days. I booked a hotel halfway in El Paso, Texas. Don’t get me started with my stay at El Paso though. I drove 12 hours (breaks included) to get there only to have the worst experience. I got there at around 1 am but it was really 12 am LA time. I got food and was going to call it a night. However, I experienced a pretty terrifying Scissor lock. It felt really evil. I even saw stuff while I had Scissor lock.
When I woke up I couldn’t go back to sleep. I couldn’t even sleep that night. Also, around 6 am my lights in the hotel turned on by themselves too. It happened before I went to sleep too but I thought nothing of it, I thought maybe a glitch in the sensor. There was a motion sensor in the room for the main lights. I was nowhere near it. I left the hotel immediately even though I had zero sleep.
I ate some breakfast at the hotel and then drove off. I made it about 60 miles before I was so tired that I couldn’t drive anymore. I had to pull over at a gas station and sleep for a couple of hours. After driving another 575+ miles, I made it to Austin. I booked a stay at a hotel for a week while I look for a place. The crazy thing is when I checked in to the place, they ended up giving me the same room number as the previous hotel in El Paso. I immediately changed the room number. Spooky crap I know. I was afraid I wasn’t going to sleep again. Thankfully, I felt peace at this place and was able to get sleep. I had worship music playing all night.
Starting From Scratch
Now that I’m here and settled in, I’ve been thinking a lot about the move. I guess I didn’t realize how much bigger of a deal this was when I first thought of moving. I literally would have to rebuild a new life. I don’t have friends and family here. I don’t have anything I’m familiar with. It’s starting from scratch.
Also, I’ve been thinking a lot more about my mom and dad. My mom was having a really hard time with the move. I think of her being lonely by herself and having no one to visit her. I know I’ll be able to visit monthly or so but it’s different. I don’t know how many more years I’ll have with her and my dad. Do I really want to build a life somewhere else?
Other thoughts that have been swirling around my mind are I’m getting older and I want a place of permanence. I’m no longer a young buck that can just freely roam the world, well at least the world I want to create for myself. I want a place to call home. I want a wife. I want kids. I want a place of permanence. I want some semblance of routine with occasional exploration.
I also want to stop thinking about where I’m living and start focusing on building a long-term business. I want to set up an office space to work. I don’t want to keep moving around.
I had dinner today at this pho restaurant (probably the best pho I’ve ever had) and I ate by myself. I’ve done it before when I travel solo and it’s usually no big deal but something about it this time felt extra lonely. It’s definitely getting me to think if this is really what I want.
When to Close a Door
I’ve had a similar crossroads like I’m having now. I’ve always wanted to get into the best schools and get the best jobs. I had this relentless desire that I needed to get into USC for my bachelor’s, get a dream job, and then go to Stanford for my master’s. Then I would build my dream business.
I had a relentless determination and plan for it, devoting all my time and energy to achieving it. However, it wasn’t until I ended up getting a “dream job” that I realized I didn’t want it. I got the job and quit after two weeks. It wasn’t until I finally experienced it did I realize it wasn’t what I wanted. It was what I needed to finally move on. I don’t regret the decision and I’m glad I went through with it.
Sometimes we have to experience something to finally say that’s not what we want and then we can move on. I think the faster we decide to do something the faster we can open or close a door. You almost never know what something is going to be like until you’ve actually tried it. Making decisions fast but also being smart about leaving room to change your mind allows you to get to where you want to go faster.
Options
These are the different options I’m exploring:
- I could just do Airbnb or Sonder for 3 months to test out if I’ll like Austin or not. It’ll cost about $9,000 to do that.
- I could sublease a fully furnished place for 3-6 months. It still won’t feel like my place. $1,500-$2,000 a month.
- I could sublease a place that I furnish. It’ll feel like home but I’ll have to furnish the place.
- I could do a full 1 year rental that I furnish.
- Leave and get a place in Orange County.
I plan to drive around different parts of Austin and get a feel for each area. I’m still unsure of my decision. I’m going to take some time to process and hopefully have an answer before my stay is up at the hotel. I personally want to get to work right away. I want to have a routine again.
What Am I Running From?
This idea kept coming back to me. What am I running from? I don’t have the answer yet but it’s definitely getting me to think.