I’ve been feeling lost these last couple of months. I’m not sure what it is but I feel a bit empty inside. I’m dragging my feet but I don’t know the root cause. It’s frustrating. I’ve been pretty apathetic about life. I haven’t been able to fully engage with people. I feel like I’m physically present but my mind is still in flux never really being fully present.
I’m not sure if it’s because I have too much change happening at the same time. It could also be that and there are so many unknowns still that are making my path forward unsure. I don’t know what I’ll be doing next for work. I don’t know where I’ll be moving to. I’m not sure what my financials will look like in a couple of months. I guess those are pretty big changes that are coming up.
It’s also not just personal uncertainty in life. There is so much craziness and change happening in the world as well. I feel we’re at a historical shift in the world that’s palpable. I’m not sure how to process it all without being overwhelmed. I see a world that is being pulled towards a certain objective. Morals have become preferential. Biological certainties are questioned. Family nuclei are undermined. Societal roles are being flip-flopped. What’s good is bad and what’s bad is good. How do I process it all with so much change happening in my own life? It’s hard.
Santa Barbara
I decided to take a last-minute trip somewhere, anywhere. I had three days before the Thanksgiving festivities with the family so I decided to head over to Santa Barbara/San Luis Obispo. It’s a quick drive over and gets me out of the mundane of life that I’ve known. I just need space to think and process without any expectations of being with people. I think with all the family trips shortly after selling the store, I have been depleted of batteries as an introvert. I feel like I’ve been running on empty. No time to process and recharge.
I’ve booked two nights in Santa Barbara and I’ll do one night over in San Luis Obispo. I’m writing this from my hotel room in Santa Barbara. It’s late and I woke up not being able to sleep long. I’ll probably head back to sleep soon considering it’s 4 am. I needed to start processing my thoughts and the best way I can do that is through writing and reflecting.
I plan to spend time with the Lord in solitude trying to unpack the way I’m feeling. I’ll do some reading of the Word, praying, and just spend some time communicating with the Great I Am. I’ll update this as I spend time unwinding and relaxing. Trying to make sense of the jumble of thoughts in my head. Until then, I should probably get some sleep and start the day out early. Good night for now!
Strolling Downtown Santa Barbara
I woke up a bit later than I wanted but it was also nice not having to stick to a strict schedule. I got ready and headed out to explore a bit of downtown Santa Barbara. I didn’t really have an objective except for just walking around and taking in the sites.
Santa Barbara is a beautiful little town along the coast of California. I’ve heard about it because of UCSB but I’ve never experienced its charm until today. I’ve might have passed it and briefly driven through it, but this was the first time I’d wandered around the downtown area. I’m definitely a fan. There was, however, a lot more traffic than I expected. It’s also not a town I’d see myself living in. Too many college students and a little too much of a tourist attraction. Nevertheless, it’s a beautiful place and somewhere I’d visit again.
Lost in Thought
I spent most of the time a little lost in thought. I think exploring the town was therapeutic. I don’t think I got much “done” thinking but I feel more relaxed. I did at some points feel a little sad. I think there has always been a side of me feeling down for no real reason. I don’t remember feeling down when I was growing up but not too long ago I was reading an old letter back in middle school that had been written to me by a friend (a crush I had), comforting me about being sad. I don’t distinctly remember what I was sad about but apparently, that was a thing for me then too.
Whether it’s been a persistent theme in my life or not, I do have moments where I’m just sad. Is it a natural feeling to have? Is it more of a tendency for introverts? Sometimes nostalgia is sad but in a comforting good way. It’s like watching a good sad movie. You’re sad but the feelings produced a sense of happiness. Ironic. There are moments where I feel lonely. It’d be nice to have someone around but then I also think about how unpleasant that can be sometimes especially when I want to be in my own head. Life can be such a weird thing sometimes.
Back at the Hotel
I headed back to the hotel to do some more mental processing and just start getting some thoughts down on this blog. The hotel has a cool upper deck area that I wanted to take advantage of as well. It’s the main reason I booked this hotel. Unfortunately, the upper deck area is closing soon so I’ll have to continue back in the hotel room. I want to explore what ventures I want to pursue, where do I want to live, and what is important in my life…
I’m also taking time to process why my anxiety levels are so closely related to the amount of income I have. I know that at a very young age money was important to me. It’s probably because we didn’t have much of it growing up. I’ve always been attracted to money. I know money in itself is not bad but my emotional connection to money isn’t a good thing. My day and emotions can be thrown into flux when finances take a hit.
I think a lot of it has to do with my lack of trust in God. If I truly believed that God loved me and would always provide, I’d never have to worry or stress about money. I struggle with that. I don’t think I truly trust God enough with my life. I love Jesus but I don’t know if I trust God fully. I went to my sister’s church in Arizona and the pastor was talking exactly about that. He had a client (he was a psychologist) that loved Jesus but didn’t trust God. I think I have the same issue.
Back Home
I didn’t quite finish this post because I still felt like I hadn’t come to any conclusions or mental breakthroughs on the trip. However, I spent some time with family for Thanksgiving and now it’s December 1st. It was really good spending time with my mom on Thanksgiving with my brother and sister and their spouses. Then we spent the next day with my dad and our cousin Priscilla. It was just refreshing spending time with family.
Now that the Thanksgiving festivities took place, I’ve been able to refocus back on taking care of my own things. I’ve been spending time cleaning out my mom’s place and getting ready to move to wherever that may be.
Tossed Against the Waves
I also made a commitment to stop watching the crypto market. I’ve been super up-and-down emotionally because of the market and it’s been killing me. I’m still at the point where if the market goes south I’m pretty screwed. Its been stressful, to say the least. But in the midst of this, I feel like I’ve made a pretty significant breakthrough. I came back to the idea of not trusting God. If I did trust Him and know that He is good, then I wouldn’t be worried about my finances regardless of what the circumstances look like.
I was so stressed that I wasn’t able to think or do anything productive because the market was taking a massive hit. My entire portfolio was down 30% and it looked like it was going to go down even further. I was at the point of losing everything and the shirt off my back. I know it’s wise to practice risk management but my risk management was purely emotional risk management. Meaning, I was making really bad decisions because I had so much at stake. I don’t really recommend this to many people, but sometimes to make a lot of money, you have to take on heavy risk.
However, the learning lesson wasn’t practicing risk management or being wise with my finances. Those are all important but really what I felt God was teaching me is that if I’m feeling the stress I feel now, how would I respond when I deal with tougher situations when I have my own family? Will I continue to be this stressed? Is it all worth it? I realized living completely stressed out and constantly worried wasn’t a way to live. It’s not how I want to live.
Instead of trying to overwork the situation, I needed to learn how to put my trust in God in all situations. Knowing that He is a good God and that he loves me. If I truly know God’s character, then I can rest at peace knowing that He loves me and cares for me. That He really is a good father. That’s how I can live in peace regardless of my circumstances. I’ve been meditating on this song called “Dancing on the Waves” by Bethel Music and We the Kingdom. The bolded text is especially beautiful for me this season.
I'm standing at your door My heart is calling yours Come fall into my arms You're weary from it all Been running for too long I'm here to bring you home, yes I am I'm reaching out, I'll chase you down I dare you to believe how much I love you now Don't be afraid, I am your strength We'll be walking on the water Dancing on the waves Look up and lift your eyes The future's open wide I have great plans for you, oh, yes, I do Your past is dead and gone Your healing has begun I'm making all things new, watch me do it I'm reaching out, yes I am I'll chase you down I dare you to believe how much I love you now, oh Don't be afraid, I am your strength We'll be walking on the water, dancing on the waves Can you see us dancing? I'll turn your sorrow into shouting I'll turn your fear into faith, on the waves Come on, let's go I set every star into place So you would remember my name I made it all for you You are my masterpiece You are the reason I sing This is my song for you Every star in the sky I set every star into place So you would remember my name I made it all for you You are my masterpiece You are the reason I sing This is my song for you I'm reaching out, I'll chase you down Come on I dare you, just believe Won't you believe that I love you? I really love you Don't be afraid Know that I am your strength You can trust me We are walking on the water, dancing on the waves Oh, watch us Walking on the water, dancing on the waves
Examining my Heart and Epiphonies
I also felt like I had a pretty big breakthrough in regards to finances. I’m reading a book by Pastor Dudley Rutherford called “The One Thing: Rediscover a Simpler Faith in Our Complicated World.” In it, it challenged my love for money. The rich young ruler turned away from the Lord distraught and saddened when Jesus told him to give away his money and to follow him. The Apostles with Jesus were surprised when Jesus said it’s harder for a rich man to go to heaven than it is for a camel to go through an eye of a needle. The Apostles thought that people who were rich were blessed and felt if a rich person couldn’t get to heaven, then who could?
Now I don’t think there is anything wrong with money. It’s neutral as I wrote in a blog here. However, I’ve been praying for God to examine my heart as David asked God to do. What I learned is that I’ve been putting money before God. My own thoughts convict me of this. I’ve gone through so much in the past decade. I’ve sacrificed and worked extremely hard. The past four years especially were about getting as much money into crypto as possible. If I were to lose everything now, I know that I would be so angry with God. So much to the point that I felt my faith would take a hard hit. This recurring thought showed me that money was more important than God himself. It also showed me how little faith I had in God as a good God nor a faithful father that provided for his children. I know the Word, but I don’t truly know God’s character.
Knowing this, I decided that I didn’t want to live a life where I was perpetually anxious about money. I didn’t want to place Money above God. It’s not worth it. I’ve stopped looking at my portfolio and overmanaging things. I’m moving from fear to faith knowing that God loves me and knows my heart. He cares more about my provision than I do myself. If I lose money here, then God will provide another way. He’s done it before and He will do it again.
Below are several posts that showed up on my Facebook feed. Timely and wise.
Another Financial Mental Breakthrough
I had another breakthrough in regard to money. I was worshipping, praying, and reading the book by Dudley yesterday. I don’t remember exactly what spurred the breakthrough but I felt like something stirred my heart. I had tears coming down from my eyes with this personal revelation.
I remember when I was 26 and learning to walk with the Lord, I distinctly struggled with the idea of being an entrepreneur and making money. Ever since I was a kid, I liked making money. Probably stemming from lack of funds growing up. I asked God to take away this desire for business and making money if that’s not what he wanted me to do. I even considered moving down the path of being a pastor at one point (definitely not my calling). However, the desire for building businesses and making money never went away.
It wasn’t until yesterday that I felt the dots were connected. I believe one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of giving. I love giving. It brings me joy when I can help someone financially. It’s not giving a couple of bucks to someone that’s homeless but rather giving to strangers that I know need a financial breakthrough. A kid that’s struggling financially trying to just go through school to provide for his mom. Someone that just needs funds to finally get their business off the ground. A mom needing money to move into their own house. Gifting someone a car who’s desperately in need of one to go to work. Those things bring me joy.
I also believe strongly that God placed the talents, abilities, and desire in me to do business and make money. However, the success isn’t so that I could boost my own ego. It wasn’t so I could live a lavish lifestyle. He’s given me the ability to earn for those who can’t. I find joy in building businesses and making money. I find joy in giving. I get to double my joy by focusing on things I love to do. Do I believe that is within God’s will and heart? Yes. But I don’t plan to stress about making money, no. I’ll work hard planting the seeds but trust God’s time for bringing the increase.
He’s given me the ability to earn for those who can’t.
What’s Next?
I’ll be taking a trip to Florida from December 4th to the 15th. I’m exploring starting from Miami and ending in Orlando. I’ll be meeting up with some of my closest friends to just reconnect ever since everyone moved to different states. We’ll be going to Walt Disney World with their families. It’ll be good seeing everyone. After that, I’ll be back until January 9th. Then I’ll head out on a golf trip in Vegas and then I plan to travel for several months throughout the U.S. to explore where I want to live.
While exploring, I plan to read a lot, think about where the future is going, and what businesses I want to pursue. The goal is to find a state to live in where I can start finding a wife and a place where my future kids can grow up. I’m excited for the time to get away.
I’ll most likely be writing more about my journey. I’ll keep ya’ll posted! Until then, enjoy the holidays and I’ll see you again soon.