I can’t even begin to make sense of this year. So much has happened in 2020 that I can barely even remember it all or handle it for that matter.
I feel like everything has been a blur this year. All sense of normalcy disappeared. It feels like the world was a giant facade and this year tore the veils. It’s like seeing a room thinking it was clean until you open the closet to find all the trash and clothes come spewing out, seeing that life wasn’t all tidy, just all the nasty was tucked away from normal sight.
I thought the passing of Kobe was shocking and terrible enough, but it turns out his death was just a foreshadowing of the tragedies of 2020.
She’s Gone.
I lost my grandma yesterday. It doesn’t feel real yet.
I got a call from my dad yesterday around 5pm. I saw the phone call and I was slightly afraid to pick it up.
My grandma wasn’t feeling well two weeks ago so she went to the hospital. They tested her for COVID19 but she came back negative. She went home after feeling better. After a week, she said she wasn’t feeling well again. She went to the hospital and she tested positive for COVID19. We believe she must have contracted it while at the hospital the first time. Even though she tested positive, she was immediately feeling better each day. I was thinking she would only have mild symptoms and she was one of the lucky ones despite being 88/89 years old.
However, when I got the call from my dad, I was afraid I would get a call that it was getting worse. It turns out that her heart rate dropped dramatically and things had taken a turn. The nurse called my uncle to visit her as they didn’t think she would survive. 10 minutes before he arrived, she passed away.
It almost didn’t feel real. It still doesn’t. I immediately called my brother and told him the news.
I don’t even know how to really process this. This feels like the first death of someone that hold dear to me. It’s odd and surreal. We aren’t even able to visit her because of the COVID situation.
I cried quite a bit yesterday.
I thought she would hold out for a couple more years. All she wanted to see was our family all to get married. That’s the one question she would always ask when I went to visit her, “When are you getting married?”
That’s the one thing I wish she was able to see. I felt I would have a couple more years to get married for her. Thankfully, she at least saw my sister get married this year before her passing.
She wasn’t just a grandma that I didn’t really know. She was basically the person that helped raise me as a child to almost my teen years. Even though there was always a bit of a language barrier, this woman exuded love and tenderness as only a grandma could.
This quiet loving woman was the epicenter of our family on my dad’s side. Her husband, my grandpa, passed away from lung cancer when I was around 13 years old. I don’t remember much of him except that he would drive us to school here and there. He was quiet but stern. I wasn’t as close to him as I was with my grandma. This one hurts so much more.
Last Christmas
I’m thankful that we spent time with her last Christmas. It was my sister and her husband, and my brother and his girlfriend. She was able to see almost all the kids with someone by their side. I think that made her really happy. She was super happy seeing us all together.
I remember near the end of the night, I sat beside her on the couch holding her hand in mine. I took a picture of her hand thinking that I couldn’t have many more times like this…I didn’t know it would be my last.
Despite the sadness, I’m thankful for my grandma’s life. She has been a silent pillar for me. She served selflessly her entire life. She would always cook meals and take care of the house. She cared for my aunt who was born mentally disabled. She would always be happy when we would visit her. She made sure we were always fed and insisted on cutting fruit for us and making food if we were hungry. She gave life a sense of stability and calmness. A pillar of safety. Someone that I could just hold and feel like things were good. She had a silent resilience to her that I loved.
I’ll be forever thankful for her.
Thank you “a ma” for everything. I’ll make sure I find an amazing wife that cooks for me and is willing to do my laundry. I’ll find someone that exuded grace and patience like you did. Someone that loved fiercely and is tender. I’ll miss coming over and silently sitting with you, knowing that my presence was all you wanted. Thank you for caring for me as a child. Thank you for raising me. Thank you for being by my side.
I love you. Rest in peace.