Today was an interesting day. I made the decision to quit the job that I just got at CSS. I thought it was going to be a dream job, but I realized quickly I wasn’t going to be a good fit. But before I explain
Yesterday was a bad day at work. I don’t recall exactly why but I just remember being extremely stressed out and filled with anxiety. I hated being there. As soon as I left the parking lot, I had to call my sister. I needed to talk to her and get counsel.
I was frustrated over the phone with her. I told her everything that I had been feeling working with my boss. His personality type just rubs me the wrong way and makes me really anxious to the point I can’t really focus. He only cares if you can perform. I understand that he needs to get the job done but he’s just super aggressive. He treats people like cogs in a wheel and doesn’t waste time on people. He just wants people to get it. Not everyone works that way.
Also, the work I’m doing isn’t what I’m suited well to do. It involves a lot of moving parts and working with speed and accuracy. I don’t like that stuff. We deal with a ton of brands and I have to make sure things are done accurately.
I was pretty emotional talking to my sister. I was stressed, filled with anxiety, and I couldn’t focus. I was frustrated and I wanted to quit. After telling my sister my situation she basically told me that God puts us in situations so that we can deal with our issues. Mine was this fear of man where I get anxiety or just don’t feel good enough. I heard her out and I thought it made a lot of sense to stay. I calmed down and thought rationally and felt like I should just tough it out.
This leads up to today. Today wasn’t a stressful day but I was anxious anytime my boss came around. My stomach knots up and I can’t focus or think. It’s also because I don’t like the work I’m doing. I don’t think my particular personality is a right for it and even if I did get a full-time job offer. I wouldn’t enjoy the things we do because it requires you to be creative or very analytical. It doesn’t help at all that my boss doesn’t create a safe environment.
Today while working, I wasn’t excited or passionate about my work. I thought about what I’d be doing long term and I didn’t feel excited about it. I also
I feel at peace with the decision. Normally, I’d be mad at the Lord for allowing me to get the job just so I can leave. However, I feel I’ve learned a lot and trust the Lord has my back regardless. I’m thankful the job wasn’t a full offer but a “test period” for both sides. I’m surprised I’m the one that is walking away from the offer. I’m also thankful that it will pay some bills and give me a little cushion to figure things out. I also now have the time to help my mom sell her store.
A couple realizations came from working here:
- I know how I want to treat people if I start my own company. Jobs can be stressful. I want to treat people well. People are just as important as profits. I care about treating people well, finding the right fit for them, and helping them grow as people.
- I want to do things I’m passionate about and I can excel in. I don’t want to pretend I’m good at things just because it’s “sexy.” I want to find my area of strength and operate in it. I don’t want to work myself to the bone just because I can brag about it.
- I want work-life balance. I want to enjoy my work and also enjoy time with my friends and family.
- I’m over striving just to create this image of who I am. I’m over striving in my own strength to create a big business. If God wills it, great. If not, great. I’m okay with just pursuing my dreams and living a good life that honors the Lord and people.
- I’ll never look down at people. Even if I make a ton of money, I’ll never think I’m better than people. Being a janitor, working the counter, doing software development, sales, marketing, etc are all challenging in their own ways. Besides, it’s God who gives us our unique talents anyways. You aren’t better than someone else because you can do a job that pays more.
- I also came to the realization that I’m not good at certain things and it’s okay. I don’t have to try to prove myself by boasting or trying to get into the best schools. Trying to cover up my weaknesses by getting accolades isn’t doing me a service. It’s just pride. I can’t do everything well and that’s okay. I’m not built for everything. I realized how prideful I was by always trying to work at the best “name brand companies” and going to the best “name brand schools.” It was important for me to succeed at USC but it isn’t what defines me. I know now that I can do something when I bust my butt but I’m no more or no less of a person if I don’t do the hardest jobs or go to the best schools.
