I’ve been going back and forth if I should continue to write openly my thoughts in this journal. It’s such a vulnerable thing especially when going through a challenging season. I’m still not sure what I’ll do but I felt like jotting some thoughts down.
It’s been about a month since coming back from SEA and it’s a drastic change from when I was in San Diego. The time I spent in San Diego, going out there for the one year discipleship program and then staying to start the Gathering Church, and ending in SEA, was an incredible time. It was probably the happiest I’ve ever been.
I got to meet and build incredible relationships with amazing people. I got to dive deeper into my faith and learn to trust God. I went on a missionary trip, help launch a church, almost launched a tech startup with my friend, and then traveled out to Asia for 4 months with just a carry-on and my backpack. It was an amazing 2.5 years and I thought I would honestly still be in San Diego.
But with my circumstances (finances running low, no place to stay in San Diego, and my parents going through their split), I’m back in LA, staying with my mom. I didn’t expect this to happen but it seems this is where I’m supposed to be. I feel like I’m now in a desert season.
The first two weeks coming back were terrible. I fell into a pretty bad rut. I was mad at God and felt abandoned. I took a leap of faith on two occasions and I just feel worse off. Thankfully, I came across John Bevere’s book, “God, where are you?!” And it brought me back to my senses and towards repentance.
I had lost trust in the Lord and was moving towards a lackadaisical faith because I felt so hurt. I felt God didn’t care anymore and the more I followed Him the worse my life got, while those that didn’t acknowledge Him, their lives were getting way better. I was angry.
But in my foolish anger, God was doing a work in me and preparing me for the changes coming. He has stuff He wants to work out of me in preparation to handle whatever He has planned for my life. More importantly, He wants a relationship with me not because of what I can get from Him, but because He is the thing I long for.
Imagine a son only wanting to be nice to his father so his dad would buy him stuff. The dad would feel used and hurt. I don’t think God would be so different. Sure, He would love to take care of us and give us things, but if it’s either going to destroy us or if our relationship with Him is based on material gain, why would He give us these things if He were a good father? It’s irresponsible and not good for our long term well-being.
After realizing this, I repented and my spirits were lifted. I’ve come back to trusting the Lord and pursuing Him again. However, in this season, I still feel it’s a desert season. I’m still struggling emotionally as I’m trying to find work and figure out my life direction. I feel like a boat without a compass, simply wading through the waters aimlessly with no destination in site. But in this time, just as the disciples were in the boat when the storms came, I have to trust that Jesus is with me and I can trust that He’ll lead me.”